Sometimes I'm just so confused as to what it is I want from people.
I want my friends to find happiness without me but I resent them when they do. I want them not to pay attention to me too much but I get angry when they don't. I'm relieved when they don't worry about me but I also hate it when they don't. It's frustrating.
It also makes me feel so hypocritical when I condemn them (in my mind, that is) for making public matters that they've shared with me first hand. I'm not in a position to relish the privilege of being "first", that's fucked up. But I still can't help feeling jealous over that and it slowly kills me inside.
(and I might as well say this now, this vent is going to be very random because I don't really have only one big thing to write about but many little annoying droplets of my life that have been pissing me off)
I was rewatching a few MEPs that I took part in before and I came by this one where my ex and a friend of ours also worked on. It used to drive me crazy watching it, because I put so much effort in my tracks and received close to no recognition from the host (my ex, yes) when everyone else was showered with compliments and praise. That put a dent on the image that I was slowly perfecting of how my editing wasn't so bad after all, and also made me think I was making too much of a fuss, which then made me feel worse because I shouldn't have done that.
Another reason why I used to hate it was because our common friend had a track in it, which wasn't so bad, really, I like it now (in retrospect, lol), but I couldn't stand the sight of it before. And that's because that said friend and my ex kept growing closer and closer to each other while we were still dating, and I was seeing them as an enemy even though I had no reason to prove anything. It just infuriated me that my ex would choose to devote their time to someone other than me (and I'm not meaning it in the overly attached girlfriend type of jealous, rather in the my boyfriend isn't giving a shit about me anymore and finding other people more interesting type of jealous). In my opinion, that's something one should never do. Always give your friends and boy/girlfriend the same amount of attention, if not more to the person you're dating in case they're in a situation of emotional breakdown (which I, to my dismay, was in close to 24/7 the past two years). The one person I thought was supposed to be my light in the dark was actually hammering nails through my skull the whole time.
I'm not being bitter or resentful about it, it's just something I noted a few days ago, is all.
Right now I find myself craving a relationship, though. I've been single for little more than half a year and it's been great, and I don't feel like there's a void I need to fill in or anything but it's just a craving because I can, not because I need it. And of course, I do have someone in mind, and if anything I can definitely see that we're growing closer everyday that passes (and that goes from talking about anything for hours on end and not wanting to leave each other's company, to not minding our bodies touching when we're sitting in class together), and that's nice, I really like it. Alas, I have to keep in mind that maybe that's not what they want from me, which was meant to say "I don't want to ruin our friendship by dating you" which I completely understand and accept (although reluctantly because we nearly act like an actual couple anyway, and so many of our friends did think we were), even if sometimes I think that it's cowardly and stupid. I know that I can bring that person so much more than I can as a simple friend (or best friend, actually), but if I can't cross that bridge now or ever, I'll just make do with what I have and do what I can from my spot.
I think I should stop this here, I only really forced myself to write this because it's been a while since I updated my LJ and felt like writing a vent of some sort. I should have written to Darcy (I decided to name my journal, it makes it easier to write in letter form to someone with a name and a personality rather than just a 'diary', right?) but my eyes are dying and I can't bring myself to use my hands for something as meticulous as writing with a fountain pen.